Always Here

Hey all, I hope everyone’s holidays and first days of the new year were good! I feel a lot is going to happen in 2010. A lot has happened and a lot is happening now. Things are changing though they’re not the things that I hoped would change.


I haven’t been very happy lately. I’m getting nowhere fast on the film, I’m in pain 24/7 and people think that it is just an excuse not to get out of my bed and go to school. I want to get out and go to things like school though I feel trapped by my constant spasming and pain. Some days I can’t even get dressed due to my muscles locking from all my spasms. Like today, I was so tense that my support worker could not put my clothes on. I know that my spasms are made worse by me stressing over stuff though I can’t seem to stop myself. I’m not happy with my social life, my non-existent romantic life or the current state of our world. I KNOW that a large part of why I am here is to lead and help heal humanity and Momma Earth, Gaia. I feel like I am not currently able to do my part to help this world and that really frustrates me. I feel like there’s something so I told myself that it will all be okay as soon as I’ve found that one friend.

About 6yrs ago now, I found that one friend. He was my best friend, Scott and I were awesome! I was this shy 14yr old kid with a “disability” in high school and he brought me out of my shell. Scott was a really great guy. My “disability” wasn’t an issue with him, with him anything was possible. Then on August 12, 2004 Scott died, he was killed instantly by a drunk driver. He said he’d always be here for me and in a way he still is because even though he has passed on I still can feel his presence.

In around about way Scott told and reminded me that love is always here. It is always around. I am searching so hard for someone and something that I already have albeit in many different forms. Love is an energy, it can morph and manifest itself in many different ways though it cannot be created or destroyed. Love is everywhere and in everything. We may not feel very loved or loving all the time though we have the ability to feel love in some way. Love is within us and we ourselves are love.

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